he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
