i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
