Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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