i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
