i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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