im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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