oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
