isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
