i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
People with herpes should wear stickers.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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