based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
