6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
