6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
