In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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