I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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