god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
