Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
