you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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