No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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