remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
