my mouth tastes like poor choices
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
