My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
