these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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