did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
