FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
