I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
