Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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