You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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