I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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