totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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