My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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