I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
