I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
