Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
