we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
