Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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