Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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