Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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