Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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