Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
