My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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