Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
