Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
