I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
