Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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