It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
