so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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