The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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