Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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