I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
