he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
