Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
pray to the hookup gods
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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