I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
