We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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