The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize