Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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