mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
