Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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